UGH

It is not even funny how my life is right now.

The past few days at work were nothing but endless stream of emails with UNREASONABLE, UNFATHOMABLE requests and questions as well as phonecalls from RUDE, ARROGANT people who thought that persisting persuasion work on me except that it does not because if there is going to be someone who is persistent in the world, it is ME!

It feels like one moment, I was happily chilling in front of the telly, watching my fave sitcom and suddenly, a fire broke out and I was desperately fighting for life and holding on to whatever left that mean something to me.

I have honestly no idea what happened and how did I get here and now I cannot wait to get out. And I wish I could have a number which I could dialled for some comforting words, a number which I WANT to dial.

This is getting BAD.

The final goodbye

Today is one of the saddest days in the 22 years of my life.

For the past week, I have been spending hours with them and have built such a strong bond, it breaks my heart knowing that in another few hours, they will be adopted and the quick visit during lunch would be the last time I will see them ever again.

I love them the moment I laid eyes on them and it did not take me long to be head over heels in love. I love the wits, the affection they have towards one another, their every word and action.

I will even miss the tantrums they throw everytime they do not get what they wanted.

Sometimes, we look at what we have and we lament about our sad lives and then we look at the kids, who did not even experience love since they were born and realised that we have been blessed since young because we have parents who love and care for us.

Such a sad plight they are in and yet, I am not able to do anything for them.

Byebye my babies, I will miss you all so much.

Robot in disguise

My body clock is seriously messed up with my sleeping time getting later by the day. It was 2am, 3.30am and now at 4.08am i I am still wide awake.

Maybe chronic fatigue will no longer be something I laughed about when I finally suffer from it after the prolonged period of sleep deprivation.
Then I will walk like robot, speak like robot and process information like robot. Being a human simply takes up too much energy. Even frowning and laughing used as many as 43scles. Being a robot is easy peasy in comparison. Everything is done at the speed of -2. Well, it is just about time to stop and smell the roses.

Today has been really eventful. I turned from Edna to Social Worker. Found a missing person and spent half the night with three kids who were victims of an abusive family.

It has indeed been tiring.

Water and A Flame

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White Christmas in romantic December. I live for this, spent 11 months in a year waiting for the streets to be light up in a kaleidoscope of red, green, silver and blue with Christmas carols filling the air.

Last Christmas, I daydreamed about riding the ‘Topless Hippo’ down town to fully embrace the festive season while humming/singing the melodious carols but it never happened. I am now one week away from Christmas and looking at the list of things I have to do before then, I doubt it will happen this year either. But I am still going to enjoy every bit of it. The shopping, the singing, the gathering with friends, the Christmas service and celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ in manger!

Away in a manger,
No crib for His bed
The little Lord Jesus
Laid down His sweet head

The stars in the bright sky
Looked down where He lay
The little Lord Jesus
Asleep on the hay

The cattle are lowing
The poor Baby wakes
But little Lord Jesus
No crying He makes

I love Thee, Lord Jesus
Look down from the sky
And stay by my side,
‘Til morning is nigh.

Be near me, Lord Jesus,
I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever
And love me I pray

Bless all the dear children
In Thy tender care
And take us to heaven
To live with Thee there

Half the week is over and I still have not pay off my sleep debt. But all my waking hours have been well spent with family and friends. I even managed to have out-of-the-world potato salad with sayong on Tuesday and plenty of time chilling with my family.

The remaining days for the week will be packed with more love from family and friends and come Sunday, it will be ‘loveoverwhelming’ part II with my cousin.

Christmas makes me happy, how about you?

Walk by faith

Post holidays is always a good time for reflection and reorganising of life’s priorities.

This little getaway has done me much good, it was a fantastic time of fellowship, feasting, recreational activities and honest sharing that truly blessed my heart.
The two days were stretched with minimal sleep, feeding time at an interval of three hours, too many activities to do and plenty of laughters from all around.

The sharing, especially, was so precious to me because the Holy Spirits were among us, working in all of us and giving us the patience to listen and the hearts to feel and empathise.
This is the epitome of ‘brotherly and sisterly love’ where there’s no judgement and rejection but love and acceptance.

I shared about how we often grapple with contentment. Life, is defined by material gains, will never reach a state where we are truly thankful for everything God has given us. Our list of ‘things we want’ is always increasing and how can we then be expected to be satisfied?

When I finally dragged myself home with the little energy I have left in me, I took a look at my humble abode and realised that if I ever were to compare myself with others instead of being thankful and finding joy in the Lord and trusting in His providence, I will be really miserable simply bexause according to the world’s standard, I really am quite pathetic.

But God reminded me to be contented and I have a cosy home, not a house. A loving family and not an incomplete one. A well paid job, considering my job scope and not a unchallenging role.

Let me be constantly reminded of your faithfulness,
your promises and goodness.
So that when Satan tempts me
And plant doubts within,
I will still walk by faith
and not by sight.

http://justuff.net/uslessology/application.html →

Light at the end of the tunnel

There is a part of me that is still feeling very disassociated from reality. It is a little difficult to function properly; I left out my cell yesterday and my wallet today, spilled honey water in my bag, haphazardly emptied my bag and cleaned the stained items…

Well, at least I remembered my phone today.

I am not living with regret. Just coping with emptiness and guilt. Who wouldn’t, after living two years with a special someone and being someone’s special someone.
And guilt, well, I supposed this is not the ending anyone asks for but sometimes, when God says yes, who are we to say no?

I seek comfort in the peace God gives me from making such a big decision. I am never good at deciding, especially when it comes to life changing decisions like such. Trying to please everyone is never possible but I am always doing that and at the end of the day, no one is happy. Not even me.

So for once, I made this decision and am going to stick to it, only because I know this is right, this is the will of God, the only one whom I should seek to please.

The heart is deceitful. How many times have we been tricked into running around in circles because we assumed God’s will based on our emotions. Sharing the same passion for worldly activities and things do not necessarily mean he/she is the one God has chosen for you. Being able to hang around each other and be comfortable even when in silence does not say much too. It is about the one and it takes more than love. It takes two person who loves God above all, who share the same passion for Christ and who lives to seek and please Him.

And God will teach us how to love, how to live happily with the one He has chosen for us.

It will take a long time for life to return to how it was two years ago, before everything started but it is possible. Just trust in the Lord to lead and we will be fine.

There’s always light at the end of the tunnel, hang in there.

Sidenote: thank you all my dearest family (including you, my cousin!) and friends who have been so supportive and sweet.

"It’s okay. It’s okay to want someone you can’t have. It’s okay to want something more. It’s okay to cry when you’re hurt, and it’s okay to stay mad at someone who hurt you. Believe it or not, it’s always going to be okay. That’s just how it works. Sometimes things don’t work out how you want them to, and most of the time, it seems like they never will. But eventually, everything is going to iron out some way or another. You just have to believe, keep your faith, and move on."

(via runawaytrain)

whatmarielsaid:

time heals all wounds; photo credit

and if that is true, then why did it hurt more today than it did yesterday?
only God can heal me, time does not and never will.